Nicole,

 

Thank you for allowing me the privilege of working with you on your story, Deception. The storyline is interesting and complex, and I can see this plot expanding in many directions. I am honoured to help you to shape it into the best possible story it can be.

 

Attached is an edited copy of the first three chapters. You will notice that I have rearranged the scenes in the following order:

    

1.    Murder

2.    Party

3.    Jackson/scholarship

4.    Jake babysitting Delilah

5.    Nyx and Marcus

 

The murder scene works well as a hook for the reader, setting up the stakes immediately and creating an interest in the story. Give the readers a sense of this crime, and this killer, using setting and figurative language to establish tone and mood. Both this scene and the scene where the Captain orders Detective Autumn to babysit Delilah are lacking in plausibility. Some research will help you to convey these plots and the scenes more plausibly. It doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly correct, it only has to be believable to the reader. If it sounds like something that might happen, that will suffice.

 

Chapter “August 15th” and “Two Weeks Later” contain a lot of information for the reader to digest, and for this reason I have divided these scenes. This does make them shorter; I encourage you to really take your time in telling these stories. Think less about the information and more about the telling of it. As they are written they feel rushed. 

 

The Nyx and Marcus scene contains some strong character development and showing, rather than telling, of information. Much is revealed to the reader through dialogue and action. The dialogue and storytelling here are also strong. Consider this chapter when reworking the others. 

 

One of the themes – twins – could be strengthened. For example, do all the main characters have some sort of ‘twin’? Is Camilla’s cold, ornate, showy house her twin? Or is Marcus her twin? You can really have some fun expanding on this theme.

 

Build the characters slowly and subtly, without telling the reader in descriptive language who they are. It doesn’t matter what colour someone’s eyes are; this level of description ironically makes it more difficult for the reader to visualize the character. The reader will populate the story with people from her own world that have the qualities you assign to your characters. Choose one or two attributes that you feel define the character and use those within the context of the story; that Camilla is tall may hint at a masculinity of character, for example. Demonstrate Camilla’s socio-economic and job status without telling us, for example.

 

Decide who you want to tell this story. Do you want the narrative to be subjectively told in Delilah and Nyx’s points of view? Or do you want the narrator to have objectivity. Give careful consideration to how this story is best told, and then commit to that. At the moment there is some ambiguity in the POV.

 

The use of active language will help increase pacing, tension, and emotional impact. Go through the manuscript for passive language and eliminate any language that isn’t necessary, is redundant, or slows down the narrative.

 

Finally, take your time with the setting. This can be another expository opportunity to reveal character. Who are the people at the party, and why are they there? Are they all Camilla’s employees? This implies a level of control, both of her employees and of Delilah, that expresses a lot about her character. Marble is already mentioned; this can indicate a coldness about Camilla. In what other ways can the setting reflect Camilla’s character? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what a room or space looks like, per se. What matters is what is in the room that can give the reader information. For example, the position in the room of the bearskin rug is irrelevant; its presence and what it reflects of the owner are what is important, and this can be indicated through action (ie. Nyx trod on the bearskin rug crossing the room to her father’s desk).

 

I am looking forward to reading your edited manuscript. Please contact me if you have any questions or comments.

 

All the best,

Kate Judge

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