Hello Darcy,

 

Thank you for submitting your story “On The Train.” It has many solid elements that can be built upon. The stream of consciousness, snapshot in time POV works well with the subject matter and the length of the story. I think this is a strong work that can be polished to become a real statement piece. In aid of that, consider the following. 

 

In support of the stream of consciousness POV, ensure that each character’s paragraph is consistent in tone and voice. Are there any narrative descriptive passages that take the reader out of that POV? Is it consistently stream of consciousness when it needs to be? Verb tenses also help carry that POV; ensure that all tenses are consistent.

 

There is potential here for building the tension. This will help give the story a stronger arc. That each ‘comment’ has its own paragraph is a place where you can really control the pace and tension. As time moves forward, and passengers are trapped for longer, ratchet the stakes and then very suddenly release it when the train begins to move. Shorter sentences, almost staccato-like, can help achieve this. As it is, it lacks tension that builds to a climax. 

 

Are the language and imagery specific and detailed enough to put the reader on that train? With only brief glimpses of each person, there isn’t much space to create a character or image. Every word is therefore important to strengthen the realism and make us the fly on the wall.

 

Are the characters consistently represented? Do they all have equal weight and an equal share of the time and space? For example, the characters Alex and Josh can perhaps bookend the moment by appearing at the beginning as well as at the end. The character Bogdan lacks substance due to his single appearance.

 

I also encourage you to expand this piece by strengthening the metaphor of the collective (the train or passengers) versus the individual. You already have a sense of this metaphor, that the entity that is ‘passengers’ is made up of people, and for those moments when the train is halted, they change from passengers to individuals, and when the train proceeds, they again become passengers. Almost as if there is a camera zooming in and out. Voice can be a significant element of this metaphor, as can language and strong imagery.

 

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions at all. I look forward to reading your edits.

 

Sincerely,

Kate Judge